While walking my dog on a very windy afternoon, an unaddressed, unsigned letter blew right into my face.  It read:

Hey Jonathan,

For our weekend together please bring the following:

Milk

Eggs

Butter

Bread

Bacon

Condoms

Peanut M&M’s

Vaseline

Lettuce

Oh..and don’t forget the DVD you mentioned, the one…well, you know which one.

I’ll bring everything else. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume you’re already there and have brought these items.

Sooo excited!

My dog and I finished our walk and went home where I popped a Weight Watchers Smart One into the microwave and watched TV.

I need a life.

He’s gone, and that’s as it should be, since he should never have been here in the first place. He was never mine and he was never going to be. He wanted to be mine, I wanted him to be mine, but it wasn’t meant to be as others were involved.

This hurt me for a very long time. I was lost, desperate, deeply depressed with an aching that never seemed to stop.

I lost weight. I gained weight. I consumed more alcohol than I thought humanly possible, for me anyway. I stopped seeing friends, I seldom visited with family. I was alone and I hated being alone. But, I wanted to be alone.

I hated my job. Hated getting up, showering, and driving to work, hated everybody including him.

Night time TV became my best friend as I could no longer sleep. I was lucky to nap 2 to 3 hours in 24. I became a regular on shopmsn. I watched movies made before I was born, before color was invented, before there was sound. I ate ice cream in bed.

I took long drives to the ocean, the mountains, new cities, malls, stores and all the while I’d have to pull off the road just to cry my heart out. I ate in my car.

I checked my email many times through the day, just in case he changed his mind, or I changed mine, only to see you have no new emails over and over.

I picked up the phone, but never dialed the number.

I’m an idiot, a horrible person, and I believed I lost my mind.

How strange, this assignment it was really meant for me today. This is what a wrote upon waking early this morning:

I awoke around midnight from screaming coming from the open field space behind my house. I’m not a squeamish person, but the cries of what ever animal was suffering from the beast that was fortunate enough to grab it for their meal upset me and gave me a fitful and un-restful night of sleep. I got up from bed and looked out at the field but could see nothing. I got back into bed still hearing those screams in my mind.

I dreamt of a lost friendship due to, among other things, distance. The feelings of hurt and loss added to my restless night. This morning I woke in a funk of sadness and regret that is overwhelming me. The song that comes to mind is from the Indigo Girls who I just love, and it’s one that spoke so truthfully to my heart, it’s called You’ve Got To Show. Here are just one of the many lyrics by Emily Saliers that I wish I’d written:

While you occupy me, I command my dreams each day
To bring you in me even thinly as the mornin’ chases you away
I half believe if I just picture us we will come true
Wishful thinkin’ or my hope’s sinkin’ half depends on you

Wow, so different from yesterday when I woke to 20 huge, juicy looking wild turkeys pecking through my front lawn.

Think I’ll go play some Beatles CD’s on and dance like no one is watching, that should help.

(Ok, so it’s only one song, but like I said, I got to the assignment after I’d already done my writting.)

MonaD

….My favorite subject, the view from the window at our beach house.

Where to begin is hard…so I’ll start with a short history. This is the house that my Grandfather (Pa), my dad, and my uncle built in 1963 on an inherited “tent lot”, which measures 30’wx60’d. It’s a two story house with a balcony and the entire front are windows that capture most of the Monterey Bay. A small house with a huge breath taking view.

From these windows I watch the early morning joggers run past the house, and the sea lions diving for their breakfast. Tour busses can no longer stop at the pull-out across the street as the bus fumes were a huge problem for the people living at this turn in the street. I like to open all the windows and doors an let in the cool ocean breeze. It’s cold, even for me, but I bundle up. Everything is closed when I have guests, they usually don’t like to be that cold so early in  the day. This is not a warm weather area, although with the pattern changes it can become quite warm for some parts of the year.

At night, gazing from the right to the left, you can follow the city lights of Santa Cruz all along the bay to Moss Landing, Marina and Seaside,  as well as the late night fishermen’s boats in the bay which are all lit up for their evening work. Sometimes those lights can be so bright as to light up the entire house. The Pacific Ocean is just to the left, around the corner of the bay, barely a few hundred feet away.

The sunrise from the East is a miracle to behold, no matter what time of year it’s always an awesome experience for me. The way it creeps slowly over the mountain far off behind what used to be Fort Ord, then the rays lightly kisses the bay waters to waken up all the colors of blues and greens that fell asleep the night before, just makes my skin tingle.

When I have everything open the sound from Point Pinos lighthouse can be heard in the distance, the call of the gulls echoes all the way through the house, but  the early morning fishing boats just skim across the surface of the bay making little or no sound at all.

But to my nose the aroma of the ocean is what wakens all my senses; salty, fishy, dampness, and floral all bombard and overwhelm me.

Ah yes, and then the smell of fresh brewed coffee hits my nose and joins in the morning party. Now I can really sit back and enjoy the view……………